Permanent Human Settlement of the Earth, Space and Ocean Frontiers

Monday, January 16, 2006

Finding the Devil in Paradise

Tree Huggers earned their name for good reason. Indeed, they got their name precisely because they chained themselves to trees on occasion to keep them from being cut down. Why? Because; as the “conventional and scientific wisdom” went, the trees were, in fact, the saviors of the planet. They changed carbon dioxide into oxygen through a biochemical sleight-of-hand and thereby kept the whole planetary schlemiel balanced between good and evil. This was a good thing, because carbon dioxide and methane were the great evil-doers working hand in hand to destroy the Eden called earth and everyone along with it. And now inside this potential paradise we find greedy and vile man working his little heart out cutting down the trees, who through their inner Gaia, saved the planet from self destruction by changing evil carbon dioxide into peace loving oxygen. Good story. Sound science. …at least until the announcement by the Max Plank Institute for Nuclear Physics last week.

Without any warning, the scientists at Max Plank dropped a virtual biochemical bomb on the tree hugging community and just about everyone else when they reported that the rainforests were not the solution to pollution – but were, in fact, one of the primary causes of methane “pollution” by cranking out as much as 20-30% of the e-vile gas – and not from the forest floor either – but straight from the leaves of the trees.

Instead of doing the right thing – like firing every biology teacher in America who all taught this was strictly an anaerobic process and otherwise not even possible – the tree huggers are all pretty much standing around with their mouths wide open in rather uncharacteristic silence. How can this be? Here the Angel of Eden has been caught with its pants down and hand in the cookie jar all at the same time. It seems the nuclear scientists (not biologists) have discovered that plants are producing as much as 10-1000 times as much methane living as when dead, instead of at the proper postmortem time when they are actually supposed to be doing this.

Now everybody is embarrassed, especially the nations that have signed onto the Kyoto Protocol and are starving and freezing their people to death and telling them it was all the lumberjack’s fault. Now it seems that they are –in fact – going to have to hire an army of axe toting tree slayers and step up razing the pristine rainforests to actually meet its suggested planetary emission standards. Now, I realize this is not supposed to be funny…even though it is actually the most amusing thing I have heard in a very long time. So I just have to laugh and laugh hard. Herein is the ultimate result of politicizing science: stupid fairy tales, stupid believers and in the end an entire planet of dim-witted followers who cannot now just relax and accept the new finding for what it is - unemotional data.

Imagine it... If they now go ahead and chain themselves to the tree – what will the excuse be this time? A personal relationship? Now that’s kinky…